i think i merged with my inner survivor the other day. was talking in therapy and my therapist said something (i can't remember what now), and I felt my inner survivor leaving (she said something that hit my inner core of truth), but then felt her gently snap back (i know this sounds odd).
i felt her, waiting, testing, cautious, but willing to stick round. it was almost indescribable. i felt like she saw the therapist for the first time. felt like i was looking out with a complete self. it was ... unfamiliar, sensitive, interesting, honoring, surprising, and just downright odd.
walked outside and went to get in car and saw "me" in the car window. just sat there a looked at ME for some time. wow.
i feel like she's ready to move on and help me figure out how to continue to heal and live a whole life.
none of these words is close to what happened, but it's all i got at the moment.
i
feel
whole
new
calm
hm
Searching for Angela Shelton
Friday, August 28, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
i dont...
want to blog about food
which is why i'm not blogging
sigh
must find other things to take the place of food
which is why i'm not blogging
sigh
must find other things to take the place of food
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
angela a hero???
Check out the article in Feministing.com. Who is your hero? I think heroes come in many forms. After contemplation, I believe Angela Shelton is one of my heroes. She has changed my life. She has changed other lives. She says it's okay to love yourself, love your body, and that you can enjoy sex. HEROIC! I'm going to nominate her. I have to choose video or essay. Hmmm
Just throwing this out there if anyone else thinks Angela is their hero.
When you hear the words "Women's Health Hero," who comes to mind? Your 9th grade health teacher who taught you about sexually transmitted infections? The midwife who sat with you through 15 hours of labor? The young Nigerian activist you read about who's working to end gender discrimination in her country? Or maybe the neighbor who counter-protests at the abortion clinic every Saturday morning?
Whoever your heroes are, we want to know about them! We've created the Our Bodies Ourselves Women's Health Heroes awards to honor those who make significant contributions to the health and well-being of women. It's a great way to publicly recognize people who make a difference in your life or the lives of others.
More information about the competition is here. Nominate someone today!
Feministing Article
http://www.feministing.com/archives/014703.html
Our Bodies, Ourselves website
http://www.ourbodiesourblog.org/entry-submission-form
Just throwing this out there if anyone else thinks Angela is their hero.
When you hear the words "Women's Health Hero," who comes to mind? Your 9th grade health teacher who taught you about sexually transmitted infections? The midwife who sat with you through 15 hours of labor? The young Nigerian activist you read about who's working to end gender discrimination in her country? Or maybe the neighbor who counter-protests at the abortion clinic every Saturday morning?
Whoever your heroes are, we want to know about them! We've created the Our Bodies Ourselves Women's Health Heroes awards to honor those who make significant contributions to the health and well-being of women. It's a great way to publicly recognize people who make a difference in your life or the lives of others.
More information about the competition is here. Nominate someone today!
Feministing Article
http://www.feministing.com/archives/014703.html
Our Bodies, Ourselves website
http://www.ourbodiesourblog.org/entry-submission-form
title
i realized i spend more time thinking of titles so,,,,I'm just putting title in the title. ;-)
Life has been very busy with all the events I'm working on, which is why posting is sparse.
Yesterday, 4/11, I was at our ChalkFest for Safe Girls. We were out at Centennial Park trying to raise funds. I was speaking to people about surviving and abuse and approaching strangers. I realized toward the end that it is really draining to do this for any length of time. While i'm ok with speaking about it and sharing, I just had no idea how much emotional eneregy it took.
Just typing this, my brain is like, pause! pause! still recharging!....
Anyway, I can appreciate Angela's journey more now than I could two days ago. Wow.
On a positive note: I got to meet an awesome 20 year old who went to the abuse camp I'm supporting. 20 years old, a survivor, and out there in the world talking about it! Yes!(At 20, I was drinking and well other things.)
I also met woman after woman who said, "I'm a survivor too." Said in just a matter of fact way. I just smiled. It was a connection. Yes!
I met a few guys who were just as passionate about the need to help and speak up. One guy was so excited about the camp, he told his daughter who is in college to "get together with all your groups and stuff" and "you need to help this camp." "This stuff is even where we live and people need help." I was blown away. He gave the daughter all the documentation. Yes!
I thought later that I should have said something to him that HE needs to help too. That HE should get out there and help other people. SNAP need to remember this for next time.
I saw teenage girls hang back, but pay absolute attention when some of us were talking. To me, they were shy but were listening intently. Yes!
I saw pre-teens very curious and open. Listening. Engaged. Yes!
I saw myself out there in the world. Speaking up. Breaking the Silence. Being the change I wanted to see. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I've become the person I blogged about. I'm becoming an Angela Shelton. YES!
Life has been very busy with all the events I'm working on, which is why posting is sparse.
Yesterday, 4/11, I was at our ChalkFest for Safe Girls. We were out at Centennial Park trying to raise funds. I was speaking to people about surviving and abuse and approaching strangers. I realized toward the end that it is really draining to do this for any length of time. While i'm ok with speaking about it and sharing, I just had no idea how much emotional eneregy it took.
Just typing this, my brain is like, pause! pause! still recharging!....
Anyway, I can appreciate Angela's journey more now than I could two days ago. Wow.
On a positive note: I got to meet an awesome 20 year old who went to the abuse camp I'm supporting. 20 years old, a survivor, and out there in the world talking about it! Yes!(At 20, I was drinking and well other things.)
I also met woman after woman who said, "I'm a survivor too." Said in just a matter of fact way. I just smiled. It was a connection. Yes!
I met a few guys who were just as passionate about the need to help and speak up. One guy was so excited about the camp, he told his daughter who is in college to "get together with all your groups and stuff" and "you need to help this camp." "This stuff is even where we live and people need help." I was blown away. He gave the daughter all the documentation. Yes!
I thought later that I should have said something to him that HE needs to help too. That HE should get out there and help other people. SNAP need to remember this for next time.
I saw teenage girls hang back, but pay absolute attention when some of us were talking. To me, they were shy but were listening intently. Yes!
I saw pre-teens very curious and open. Listening. Engaged. Yes!
I saw myself out there in the world. Speaking up. Breaking the Silence. Being the change I wanted to see. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I've become the person I blogged about. I'm becoming an Angela Shelton. YES!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
conference musings
i just spent the weekend with an awesome group of women.
1) angela shelton is just as she is online
2) ally's voice is even better in person
3) kimleigh is amazing and funny and can dance the socks off anyone out there
4) i totally made an ass of myself in front of dee wallace (maybe I'll explain later)
being with a group of women was simply amazing
i've never experienced any like it
women should come together to celebrate more
i danced and felt my body--for the first time in ... a long time
i danced in a bar
i felt a part of a larger purpose
i'm overwhelmed at my feelings at the moment
will try to get them down after further thought
may you believe you are beautiful and powerful and wonderful in every sense...
di
1) angela shelton is just as she is online
2) ally's voice is even better in person
3) kimleigh is amazing and funny and can dance the socks off anyone out there
4) i totally made an ass of myself in front of dee wallace (maybe I'll explain later)
being with a group of women was simply amazing
i've never experienced any like it
women should come together to celebrate more
i danced and felt my body--for the first time in ... a long time
i danced in a bar
i felt a part of a larger purpose
i'm overwhelmed at my feelings at the moment
will try to get them down after further thought
may you believe you are beautiful and powerful and wonderful in every sense...
di
Sunday, March 8, 2009
here we go....
wow. i'm just a busy bee from now until end of april.
army of angels conference Friday (omg friday...gulp)
i'm sure it will be fun
i'm just never comfortable in a group situation
especially a group of women
i can only be me, though
who am I? i'm me! strong warrior angel!
just keep saying just keep saying it
big breath
here we go....
april events for breaking the silence month
all month long
what if i do something wrong
what if one doesn't go well
it's ok it's ok
what we're doing is GOOD GOOD STUFF
if one person is empowered to break their silence
it's worth all the time and effort and yes, even self doubt
big breath
here we go....
army of angels conference Friday (omg friday...gulp)
i'm sure it will be fun
i'm just never comfortable in a group situation
especially a group of women
i can only be me, though
who am I? i'm me! strong warrior angel!
just keep saying just keep saying it
big breath
here we go....
april events for breaking the silence month
all month long
what if i do something wrong
what if one doesn't go well
it's ok it's ok
what we're doing is GOOD GOOD STUFF
if one person is empowered to break their silence
it's worth all the time and effort and yes, even self doubt
big breath
here we go....
Monday, March 2, 2009
just being
do you ever wanna just be?
just sit there and be
no expectations
from others or from yourself
no recriminations
from others or from yourself
it's easy and insidious and well easy
can't really live life if you just be
what do i mean by be...
not relaxing in your presence and being in the moment
nope
more like...
just sitting
staring
not thinking
vegging
nothing hard
nothing wanted
no opinions
no fighting
just blah
i wonder if this is a survivor issue
just wondering
just sit there and be
no expectations
from others or from yourself
no recriminations
from others or from yourself
it's easy and insidious and well easy
can't really live life if you just be
what do i mean by be...
not relaxing in your presence and being in the moment
nope
more like...
just sitting
staring
not thinking
vegging
nothing hard
nothing wanted
no opinions
no fighting
just blah
i wonder if this is a survivor issue
just wondering
Sunday, February 22, 2009
random thoughts
i'm struggling with some personal issues. just saying.
working on april events
being asked to go above and beyond the cosmos for work
eating eating eating and waiting to stop and realize i'm waiting for myself
i'm a little angry that food isn't working as it did and that i'm still eating.
if i'm going to eat, i want the satisfaction (stomping feet) or at least the fog.
how to i free the one thing i hid and protected all those years ago
do i want to. no. do i need to. i think so
terror OY VEY deep breath
this part of me, the kernel i call it, is so protected that i can't even access it at the moment. it's the me that looked down from the ceiling, the me that was before the silence, the me that is me that i refused to let anyone have, ruin, destroy
it is what i am and i'm still not going to let anyone tarnish or corrupt it
how do i protect all that i am and still share who i am with myself and others
i hope i find the answer while there's time left to reap the benefits
mineminemine
protect fists up
fierce growl determination unmovable
folding in wrapping up in silence anger fear self preservation
protection like fort knox with a treasure more precious than anything on this earth
mine me I
working on april events
being asked to go above and beyond the cosmos for work
eating eating eating and waiting to stop and realize i'm waiting for myself
i'm a little angry that food isn't working as it did and that i'm still eating.
if i'm going to eat, i want the satisfaction (stomping feet) or at least the fog.
how to i free the one thing i hid and protected all those years ago
do i want to. no. do i need to. i think so
terror OY VEY deep breath
this part of me, the kernel i call it, is so protected that i can't even access it at the moment. it's the me that looked down from the ceiling, the me that was before the silence, the me that is me that i refused to let anyone have, ruin, destroy
it is what i am and i'm still not going to let anyone tarnish or corrupt it
how do i protect all that i am and still share who i am with myself and others
i hope i find the answer while there's time left to reap the benefits
mineminemine
protect fists up
fierce growl determination unmovable
folding in wrapping up in silence anger fear self preservation
protection like fort knox with a treasure more precious than anything on this earth
mine me I
Sunday, February 1, 2009
crossroads , part 2
i'm really good at the words. i know what they should be.
it's a lot harder to move the words into action.
why??????????????????????????/
i'm still afraid. not sure why. too deep at this time. sigh
i just want to eat. but now, eating isn't giving me what it did before. i have to be honest: this SUCKS BIG ARTICHOKE HEARTS blech.
so i'm left with me. i'm still eating, still doing the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
it's kind of crazy, ya know? eating M&Ms and expecting my problems to be solved. That would be quite a powerful little red piece of candy now wouldn't it....
but i WAAAAAAANT it to work. i like it, it tastes good, and it's easy. i would so be fat for the rest of my life if eating candy and pizza worked. alas,,,,
my block, i think, for changing basic "me" is that i'm afraid, chicken! BOK! BOK! i'm afraid to start because I'll fail. fear. i'm afraid to take on things, because what if i mess up. fear. argh!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just want the pizza to work. i really do. sigh. i know it can't, but WHYYYYYYYYYY!?!?! ---that's my inner child talking
i'm about to attempt something huge
if i'm honest, i don't think i can do it
i don't see anything in my history that says i can do this and maintain it
yes, i'm afraid
but what i'm doing now is not working and i do want "me" to work
oy
i'm afraid. owning it. trying to stay afloat in the washes of fear that roll over me at various times throughout the day. ever try to swim in your fear? i'm sure i'm not the only one. it's murky, cold, solitary, deep, black-hole-ish, icky poo poo
"me" says RUN HIDE DON'T DO IT ALL WILL BE LOST NEVER TO GET BACK RUN CURL INTO BALL JUST LET WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPEN
blowing through thumbs to make hands big, grabbing "me" and gently pushing it back down, while trying to communicate love and caring, but strength and "this is the way it's got to be so get on board" thoughts
it's a lot harder to move the words into action.
why??????????????????????????/
i'm still afraid. not sure why. too deep at this time. sigh
i just want to eat. but now, eating isn't giving me what it did before. i have to be honest: this SUCKS BIG ARTICHOKE HEARTS blech.
so i'm left with me. i'm still eating, still doing the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
it's kind of crazy, ya know? eating M&Ms and expecting my problems to be solved. That would be quite a powerful little red piece of candy now wouldn't it....
but i WAAAAAAANT it to work. i like it, it tastes good, and it's easy. i would so be fat for the rest of my life if eating candy and pizza worked. alas,,,,
my block, i think, for changing basic "me" is that i'm afraid, chicken! BOK! BOK! i'm afraid to start because I'll fail. fear. i'm afraid to take on things, because what if i mess up. fear. argh!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just want the pizza to work. i really do. sigh. i know it can't, but WHYYYYYYYYYY!?!?! ---that's my inner child talking
i'm about to attempt something huge
if i'm honest, i don't think i can do it
i don't see anything in my history that says i can do this and maintain it
yes, i'm afraid
but what i'm doing now is not working and i do want "me" to work
oy
i'm afraid. owning it. trying to stay afloat in the washes of fear that roll over me at various times throughout the day. ever try to swim in your fear? i'm sure i'm not the only one. it's murky, cold, solitary, deep, black-hole-ish, icky poo poo
"me" says RUN HIDE DON'T DO IT ALL WILL BE LOST NEVER TO GET BACK RUN CURL INTO BALL JUST LET WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPEN
blowing through thumbs to make hands big, grabbing "me" and gently pushing it back down, while trying to communicate love and caring, but strength and "this is the way it's got to be so get on board" thoughts
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
empty cart?
i was shopping the other day and was almost done and looked in my cart, which was 1/2full at least and thought....
there's no food in here; what am i going to eat?
some of the items in cart:
lunchmeat, bread, lettuce, fixings for chili, crackers, ground turkey breast, etc.
so there was plenty to eat
i asked myself....
what about all this food?
what food?
all THIS food?
well, yeah, but...
but....
you have to cook this
alrighty then
i asked myself how am i feeling...
couldn't answer in that moment
going to try to always ask and answer this question going forward
will it help?
dunno
onward...
there's no food in here; what am i going to eat?
some of the items in cart:
lunchmeat, bread, lettuce, fixings for chili, crackers, ground turkey breast, etc.
so there was plenty to eat
i asked myself....
what about all this food?
what food?
all THIS food?
well, yeah, but...
but....
you have to cook this
alrighty then
i asked myself how am i feeling...
couldn't answer in that moment
going to try to always ask and answer this question going forward
will it help?
dunno
onward...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
food posting
so i've argued about what this blog is about. is it sharing joy? talking about activism? feelings? what IS the other side of surviving....
it's me.. plain and simple (although I doubt anything in relation to being a survivor is simple)
so i would be remiss if i didn't share more of me... the joy, the good, and yes the bad, ugly and downright odd
so, i'm going to blog some about food (HORROR! NO! STOP! can't share that!)
OY VEY!
Food is so entrenched in how I survived that I have to start dealing with it. I wish I could lose weight first. I wish I looked normal or even semi not fat. I have to stop waiting. I don't want to and I'm afraid (yeah) that those who do not struggle with food will think i'm nuts or sad or bad or crazy or dumb. Maybe, though, just maybe this will help me and perhaps one or two others will reconize themselves. I'm hoping I'm not alone in this obsession.
I was surprised by the commonality of the survivor issues, so maybe I'll be surprised again. On we go.....
I commit to putting it down in this blog, in all its glory and messiness and darkness.
I commit to not stopping when I read it and think it's crazy
I commit to being as honest as I can with relation to my thoughts.
food
saying the word sets me off on what can i eat, what's available, what can i eat that will give me the most food
food
is power, whether for me or for itself or my subconscious, it's power
food
love food
food
hate food
food
can make me so happy and yet so sad
food
is conflict
food
can't live with it and can't live without it
food
sucks
it's me.. plain and simple (although I doubt anything in relation to being a survivor is simple)
so i would be remiss if i didn't share more of me... the joy, the good, and yes the bad, ugly and downright odd
so, i'm going to blog some about food (HORROR! NO! STOP! can't share that!)
OY VEY!
Food is so entrenched in how I survived that I have to start dealing with it. I wish I could lose weight first. I wish I looked normal or even semi not fat. I have to stop waiting. I don't want to and I'm afraid (yeah) that those who do not struggle with food will think i'm nuts or sad or bad or crazy or dumb. Maybe, though, just maybe this will help me and perhaps one or two others will reconize themselves. I'm hoping I'm not alone in this obsession.
I was surprised by the commonality of the survivor issues, so maybe I'll be surprised again. On we go.....
I commit to putting it down in this blog, in all its glory and messiness and darkness.
I commit to not stopping when I read it and think it's crazy
I commit to being as honest as I can with relation to my thoughts.
food
saying the word sets me off on what can i eat, what's available, what can i eat that will give me the most food
food
is power, whether for me or for itself or my subconscious, it's power
food
love food
food
hate food
food
can make me so happy and yet so sad
food
is conflict
food
can't live with it and can't live without it
food
sucks
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